Cry

I just wonder, being a very strong person is somehow tiring. When i have to decide whether i must cry or get angry. I would choose to get mad. That is how heartless i am. I develop that feelings and attitude until i realize,
Am i that heartless?
Why is it not okay to cry. I am human too. In fact a woman. Whom Allah give that specialty to cry to ease the burden.

Has i forgot how crying's like?

I wonder, if one day i burst in public. Would there be anyone would come to me, and tap on my shoulder, saying
"it is okay to cry. Let it all go"
Because i appear to be so strong that nobody ever seen me cry. Would they believe that i was actually crying. Not faking it?

What if

Oh, there is so many uncertainty in this world. Yeah. What if, one day you received a text msg saying,

Hi babe, you cant be clingy like this anymore. I am going to be someone's husband. You gotta try to be independent. Find your soalmate. I cant always be by your side like we used to be...

And it is too late for you to express your true feeling towards him 😌

Trust

It feels like so depressing to have nobody to share your problem. I have trust issue. I cannot simply tell anyone i have a problem. It shows that i am weak. I dont like people to see me when i am weak. But I am not perfect. I have flaws. I need a companion. I need a friend who I can share all my thoughts and problem. Have someone who I can lean on. 

I have this principle of not to tell or share my problem to anyone outside my family member. So when it comes to family problems. I have no one to talk to. This is depressing. Well, not every parent are perfect tho. As the oldest in the siblings. I have a lot of responsibility. I have many hearts to take care of. But who's gonna take care of mine? Getting back to this blog is really something. Atleast i have a medium i can express on other than twitter. As perfectionist. Looking weak is never gonna be in my dictionary. But i am human tho :'( 

I know i seem not to have any financial problem since birth. Alhamdulilah. I can treat my family whenever i want. As far as i can recall. I was a sponsored student since form 1. Up till now, ACCA. Not to brag, but i can say that i can get whatever I want, anytime. Using my own money, be it scholar money or from my part time working. So my parent always assume I never face a financial difficulties in my entire life. I rarely ask them money. In fact, i give them a portion whenever I received any. But at times, me too have problem. I still remember when i got no money left to pay my tuition fees sampai the lecturer said, if you tak bayar by this week. You cannot go to the class. And i cried at the staircase of the faculty. I swear to god. I must pass the paper so that i dont have to deal with this lecturer in the future. But I didnt tell my parent about that. Because, hey! I dont want to make them worry. I am responsible to give them. Not asking for more. Plus, i am known for my 'kedekut' traits. So people always assume that i kept my money some where else. It is really depressing. I am not born in a rich family. So this 2 month I was waiting for 'some' money to be credited to my account. The application has been approved. But it has been 2 month since the approval. I keep calling the otganization every week. And they said the money will be credited next week. And it goes on, week by week, until now. 2 months already. And every week my parent will call me asking for whether the money have been credited to my account or not. Because it is my deed to always give 10% of whatever money i received. So they were expecting it. It is kinda depresing! But who am I to menidakan the gift. They are my parent! Cuma bila didesak tu, rasa tertekan kot. It is not my fault when the org delay the payment. I was not being scolded. But the way they ask and that 'hmmm', 'kenapa tak kol hari2 tanya', 'kenapa kol bila dah ptg?'. I stress. 

I stress :'(

Welcoming message

Hi everybody ! Welcome back, to me :')

I'm kinda miss this blog so much. But now only i got to sign in. It has been 2 years since my last update. So much things happen. And i grew even stronger and higher every phase that i've passed. For al whoever wonder, i am currently taking ACCA. Almost half a year rightnow.

So dear blog. Brace yourself as you will have a lot alot of entry after this. I miss writing here :')

Till then,
ainZainal 💋